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Who wants to kill Tulsi?? That benign cow on Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi... (kya thi??) ..that figure of all things nice, sweet and fattening on Indian TV? I still can't get it...Smriti Irani gettin threatening calls on her cell phone!! Now, who wants to see her bumped off? KKusum?KKavanjali( both the dead twins..or was it one dead twin?) Jassi (" Die, you fat cow, DIIIEEE" as she harriedly wears her contacts and gets her skin de-pigmented at Kaya skin clinic) .... or that funny twiggy school girl on Star One on Remix - the one with the spotty face, striped red hair and the Chequered skirt??? Nope, still can't crack this code! Anyways, we love you Smriti - please don't die.
I digress from the point of this post - which is - that a whole TWO people now finally officially know about the existence of Captain Scamp (clap clap)!! So, if you are reading (read) this BO...WALCOMEWALCOMEWALCOME!!! As if ranting in real life was'nt hard enuff, you have to deal with my crap in cyber space too (pauvre petit - " poor small" ...errr...Paapam types)
In other questions - Who wants to sleep with Shakti Kapoor? obviously some "Ruchi" wanted to. Now she wants to sleep with that nice looking boy on Indian Idol - that Aman-man. Ruchi obviously is skippy - she needs to get herself a nice boyfriend or better a scratching-post!!! meowrrrr !! hisss!
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Lightbulb's going off in my head LIKE A 1000 WALA garland. woo hoo
When we saw the 'Sputniks'( had you been reading my posts, you would be nodding knowledgly - SO GO BACK AND READ EM!!) descend on Top Station like a group of jabbering simians, I paid no attention. But when we were
stranded at the place - my evil little mind twitched into action and I decide maybe we should hitch a ride back into town with them in their charming little Van
(which had a lot of place to accomadate our mangy selves!!!) So, with Bo's assent, we went ahead with the plan.My smattering of Malyalam came in good use,and
we bagged the ride!
Only for us to decide later, this was really cool and we should hang out with them- the ride was cheap, fast and really comfy -so what if Moppy kept having these
whiny little doubts he wanted answered from these guys - and I had to translate for him. And Moppy was having doubt diarrohea -'What is that plant there?' 'Why
are the roads so narrow' 'How does the hydraulic pulley work in the dam' 'Will someone stop the van, i need to pee!' accckkkkkk!!!!! someone stuff a sock in this
bloke's kisser!!!??!!
But really, the sputniks were fun and the whole of Munnar was covered becuse we hitched with them ..so what if by the end of the day I had a ticker running in my head - one in english , the other in malyalam - and I kept translating stuff even as I slept.NEWSFLASH: I turned into LOla kutty. dont belive me, ask BO!!! HAHHAHA- this is really funny - Bo's name is also...B.O - like Body odour..hahahah - hmmm, our names really do speak for us!!!
Ok- Munnar done - onward to Periyar.
PERIYAR - THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TIGER SCAM!
There are no tigers in Periyar Reserve - sez who?says moi - at least thereare'nt any photo friendly tigers who come to lap water from the edge of the periyar lake as boats crammed with humans pass them by - all the while, chattering away, eating chips loudly and training cameras in direction of above mentionned Tiger! There are no human friendly tigers who'll pose for pictures for us - or even wild elephants who'll time their tramping about as the boat passes through the reserve.basically my gripe is that we didnt see any of those stupid animals! Instead we saw wild deer, some big pig and I think a black moneky as it flew across the air (probably to mount an elephant thats standing on a tiger!) damn and double damn!! arey yaar, i can see all those stupid animals back in the Hyd zoo itslef!!
But the trip was worth it - Coz I and Bo swapped funny tiger stories - Like the Kid at the Delhi zoo who wanted to feed a peanut (a peanut!!! read this slowly - a PEANUT!) to a Tiger! the tiger chomped off the kid's hand , and spat out the peanut!! FUNNY !! or the two guys who, on new Year's wanted to garland a tiger in the Kolkata Zoo.One fella got mauled and kicked the bucket, the other guy managed to live to tell the tale.a picture taken of this garlanding snafu was sold by the third friend for 35 K!! whew, talk about putting money where the Mouth is!!!
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I have a bad case of the sniffles - so any noise emanating - vaguely resembling electrocution (due to fluids dripping on keypad)- means I HAVE BEEN
ELECTROCUTED AND AM ON THE VERGE OF DYING!!!!
But getting back to my Vacation (it's a long story) - where was I?
yeah - In Cochi!
We landed on Christmas Day - which meant all the happy mallus (namely Baby Kutty, and Jose Kurikose Vallepuzha types) had downed shutters and the whole
city looked like it had a bad case of the haunts!!!! So we figured, we could go to Fort Kochi which is the beach and bum out.This is BTW the day before the Tsunami
- about 8 pm - I and Moppy standing knee high in the water - WONDERING - why the water was 'so high'!!! CAWLABUNGA!!! It must have been the hight tide or
some crap - but it was very scary none the same (post-it: I can't swim to save my droopy ass!)
Oh, early on, we had supper at this place on the Jetty called Dolphin - realy pretty, with fish tanks as tables.U eat your Appams and slurp ur soup off the tables as you look at sperm size fish fin about.
Random babble: We later read in the paper, a week later, the Hotel was razed down by a fire.Two employees died. I wonder what happened to the Fish
Fort Kochi: For those interested in the touristy bits is a really bang-up nice place - quaint, pretty buildings, racist inn-keepers (who won't let you stay in their cheap but nice hotel unless you're a phirang and have a valid Visa number), rude autowallahs who want to fleece you, cheap and sweet Italian food, bring-your-fish- we'll cook it for you type restaurants, and loads of usual white-trash floating about.
we didnt really see much then but the next day - took the Bus out to Munnar which is Mountain land!
The Holy Mountain:
For those of you, ever wanting a cheap trip across Kerala - here's the deal - the whole place has a great network of buses. As the state is as big as an ant's ass, chances are you'll find a state bus heading out where-ever you wanna go!! (*U have to book in advance for Delhi though, hahahah, *attempt at humour) Getting around from Cochi to Munnar is a whiz. Take the interstate bus from the KSRTC stand.Tickets
are about a hundred bucks per head - dont get wigged out by that!! The bus is clean, cheap and fast. Three hours or so and we inflicted Munnar!
For those of you, who like tea plantations, lakes, mountains and the assorted paraphernalia- Munnar's where the party is!! The place we guys-uh-oh- Moppy with a machete- CORRECTION - 'I' had booked in advance (at this point,I humbly take a bow- as Moppy humbly plants a mammoth kick across my butt!!!) was in a really puh-retty place - 24 kms from the town square, hard to get to, overpriced and beat this - bang on top of a mountain!!! hahahah.BUT!!!like I said, it
was an incredible place- it was worth the intestine twisting long jeep ride from town!!!
random babble: there was a dead rat outside our window
Moving on: The place is spitting distance from the Kundala (prounounced Kunda-lay) dam - so the next morning, we guys trekked up 5 minutes to get a first hand
virgin view of the place!!! great clean lake, we had a breakfast meant for gorillas - omlettes, tea, bananas and Corn Cob! Onward ahoy after that!! Hitched a ride
from two lorries to get to Top-Station (say this with me - TOPE STASHUN!) -the pride and joy of Munnar and kerala - You get a bird's eye view of Tamil Nadu -
thats when annoying clouds dont block ur already hazy view!!! TS is fantastic - you need to be really lucky to get there before the crowds, have lungs made of pig
iron and legs of steel! It's a little hard to get to - but worth the struggle, the panting, collapsing and all the wheezing!!!
and thats where we met our future Sputniks ('travel companions', oh you disgusting Plebs!!!) and thats when I realized that I was going to be made the world's most
overworked translator!!! WHEW!!!
Gyaan Goli: Munnar to Kodaikanal is like a hop and skip away.A couple of hours, pencil in a daytrip if you have the time
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Meet me –the mad mouse – back in the groove – scampering for my daily bread and measly cheese.
Meet me the modest mouse – against a tide of ennui, I pant, flap, paddle and wheeze!!!
and with that prolifically pathetic attempt at poetry - i announce my grand come-back!! I know I'm irrestible! didja miss me?
Loads of stuff happened - Hold on to your knickers- the rabbit shall be drawn from the hat - ta da (drum rolls, s'il vous
plait!)
First off - Tha Vacation From ...err....Helll (?)
at this juncture, i must tell you how we guys managed to stay one step ahead of disaster all the time - and It was really
like the divine hand was playing monoploy with us and moving around the board before nature set up little blue and yellow
hotels around us!!! random Analogy - but if you have had a childhood with boardgames - u'd get it!
First - From Delhi to Mumbai;
It's like I keep making the same mistakes all the time - taking a morning flight out in winter! thats the most Duh thing to
do - err...because of the blinding fog, you'd think....and a moron who's had a lobotomy (scientific procedure of emptying out your cerebellum ..ie brain) will shake his head
knowingly about the stupidity of the above said action!!!
anyways - I reached the airport two hours in advance of a flight that took off only 6 hours later to reach mumbai an hour and
half after take off...so therefore time spent in airport - CLOSE TO FOREVER! but I shall not gripe - what I shall do instead
however point out how the Delhi airport looks like a bus top in Charminar.Don't let those suits and laptops fool you - the
men in the sirport are just glorified panwallahs! and oblivious to the advantages of Deo!
Moving on, reach Mumbai and Pig out in the evening at Bade Miyan…which is the roadside joint in ..umm….dunno where!!! Has the
best best stuff to gnaw on!!! Also saw Incredibles – the movie – which personally, I thought was Incredible – it’s hilarious
and the chaps who wrote the screenplay must have been rubbing their hands in glee at the slick execution!!! U must watch!
Also saw Shahrukh’s Magnum Tedious – Swades which should be re-christened ‘Heades’ for the colossal headache it left in the
wake of it’s viewing!the Movie was a superb example of what Ashutosh Govarikar IS ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF!Lagaan had Aamir's
Brilliance stamped all over it - Swades is amateurish and is a good story badly told. I thought Gayatri Joshi is real eycandy
but begins to nip at your ankles like new keds after a while,looking pretty all the while. Big time Casting snafu - Ashutosh should have gotten perhaps someone
who could actually look the part and act while she's at it.
Okay, so bummed out in Mumbai for two days - at the beach, at this amazing place called Crystal - parked by the sea side and has some amazing homecooked type food - BURRRP! Guess who pigged out!
Mumbai to Cochin:
we guys finally took the Netravati Express out to Cochin wait listed at some 150 or shit.Thanks to my "priviledged" upbringing,i've never had to suffer the ignominy of being shunted from place to place like a rag picker in the portals of Buckingham palace! But I exagerrate - we sat through almost the entire journey - thats a measly 24 hours or so!! suffering builds character - they say.I emerged at the end of the train ride - feeling like Oliver Twist!
and thats where all hell broke loose.... (to be contd..)
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I try really hard not to put up stuff that I deal with at work.primarily because it's a way of preventing me of agonising some more about stuff that I already agonise about constantly. But i just read a colleague's blog and he was angsty about the same stuff! So, i am not alone.
Things I hated in the past week:
-The DPS MMS that got circulated all over town. In fact I had heard the story much before the media got wind of it - I was hoping the hounddogs wouldnt get a sniff of it - they did. It's all over the place.
- The Shahid -kareeena Kiss: One thing for celebrities to be stupid, another for the media to be stupid. So they kissed, fine! So, they were stupid enuff to do it in public -knowing fully well people would want a piece of their ass! But the way both kids reacted was even more stupid! They should have just not reacted - just not bat an eyelid and say 'yeah, we kissed- IN PUBLIC- Big deal!'. The matter would have R.I.P'ed immediately. Kareena was waliling on the phone " hum kapoor khandaan ke hai - yeh sab nahin hota hai". yes, the storks bring in the kapur babies, of course! dumb blonde!
i think the media just went overboard with the Kiss. Fine, for tabloid print jounos - but TV? kids are wathcing this shit (but then kids are also watching pop tart Britney lock lips with Nympho mama Madonna!) so much for the Pope and TV!!!
And yeah - we love to see SEX on Tv - in any form - Kiss, blow job, Ex Miss.jammu's having sex with fat hairy men who look like salamanders. So what if the visuals are blurred and edited - we still like to see them!!
And we like to live in denial - Kids having sex in schools (Agonised parents on The Big Fight-NDTV -" of course not!!!" Kids on Tv " Of course we're not bonking about") - why can't we be more open about the fact that the society is in a transition period and more things are happening now in kids lives far earlier than before! Why can't we talk about it -address the issue - instead of choosing to conceal it? How long did that ostritch survive with it's head in the sand? whats wrong with sex? fine, I would freak if my kid was screwing about at 16 - but I would make sure He/She knew about it - I wouldnt turn away and say " here, meet the Virgin Godmother!"
It's not a perfect world - everything is changing. We might not agree with things that happen around us. However it is important for us to question, ask and debate.It's important for us to accomadate change and allow transitions -But I personally think it's very important for us not to live in denial - look around - its a whole new world. dont deny yourself the chance to stick your head out for stuff you want answered - hey who just wants to be a sheep - herded about?
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some people piss me off some times - but most people piss me off most of the times! And i'm very pissed off right now - Moppy says I'm pissed off all the time - thats not true -but most of the time - yes! most certainly!! you should see me right now.
here are the sorts of people who piss me off:
whew! there are plenty more - but this is public forum
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Hey..remember the Macarena- yes..the prolific dance number whih scarred our colective global
teen physches beyond repair...
well..do u know the lyrics?..like the actual lyrics!! I remember I was in Junior College
when everybody was doing the Macarena..but astoundingly no one knew the words to it.
But i still insisted on singing it..very loudly..my version of course..and it goes
something like this..
Enna supre-matey Eya Macarena
Ettey palanga eye-aie suparena
Enna Supre-matey Eya Macarena
AAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY Macarena!!!
(s*i*n*g I* t*)
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Guess who over came the tide of spit to come out squeaky-clean? ME ME MOI MOI!!
Yes..if you have been following this blog carefully (I won’t point a finger accusingly at you if you have’nt!)…you will notice that this whole Diwali dhoom-dhamaka had me lower then a snake recovering from a high of cheap cocaine sniffed off a one dollar bill ( cool analogy huh? Not that I would know..MOM…put the knife down..easyyy)!! But yesterday..thanks to my stylist (yes..dahlings…I do have one of those!!)…I had a great Diwali.
I had finished work and was preparing to pack myself back to the pad to watch When harry Met sally for the Gazillionth time when Tiger (Stylist) invited me to her home for a cracking time! I went..hoppity skip..all bright eyed and bushy tailed…and burnt crackers, ate, burnt some more crackers, ate some more and..errr..you get the picture!! Also had the very first culture class on Diwali celebrations this side of the Vindhyas (it’s all thuddingly dull stuff..so I wont bore you!)
At work now. my trip seems to be finally morphing into something that bears semblance to a ‘trip’! Moppy has been spectacularly helpful by sending me the train schedule from Goa to Kerala! Acckk..I could’nt figure out a word of it..maybe you can help!! Hahah
Have another trip planned for this weekend – wit Gigglechick and her friends. We are heading into the hills – to Mcleodganj – which is above Dharamshala – which is where the Dalai Lama stays (in dharamshala..I.e). Lanky Lad keeps blaspheming by called His Holiness The Dalai Lama …Malai Mama.
It’s all very gross but very funny.I can’t stop laughing!
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Okay – this Diwali nonsense is continuing! After wallowing in extreme self-pity the whole of last evening – bawled my eyes out and then cleaned my bathroom vigorously. FELT MUCH BETTER. Nothing like scrubbing the sink to make things seem better / life in direct focus / in better perspective.
Spoke to Moppy – FELT MUCH BETTER! I was still sulking when we spoke – then laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Hey..that wasn’t part of the Super –sulk syndrome J
Thanks to Jeez for writing in with ‘comments’.
FELT MUCH BETTER!
I did consider Munnar.. But like I said I have no clue how far the places are. Will post my itinerary so that you guys can pelt stones at me and my ridiculously optimistic itinerary!!
In other news – wrote an extremely superficial mail to Sweetplum.She’s very young, a colleague with a penchant for sappy stuff..like a Yash Chopra movie on extra sweetners!! Anyways!! I’m a cow!!! God will strike me down with great vengeance for being so FAKE! I’m worse than Pamela Anderson’s twin tatas! So FAKE!!
Uh-Oh!Bear Alert!! One of my several bosses is lurking around!! For some bizarre reason he calls me the ‘NOW’ girl..Like the GAP girl! But the prob is he has a GAP in his head – right where the brain should be – it rattles emptily –ominously!! Oh God! Strike me down with great vengeance right now! Maybe I should stop being so evil…all the time!
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Aah, another superbly non-productive day at work. Arafat finally dead – I bet they were just waiting till they could figure out where to bury the old Goat.
Anyways I look forward to writing days when I can actually sit and write on my shift – but then nothing ever happens- and I am bored as hell. Still planning my holiday for this December. It’s quite vague really because I haven’t been to any of those places and really can’t decide if a day is enough to see all those places or would I need more. I have elaborate plans- and I would love to make more enquiries – but I don’t want the whole freaking office to know what I’m upto! To make matters clear – let me let you in, my dear reader (s?) into my secret garden.
I’m planning a little getaway with friends to Kerala and Goa for the New years. Not highly imaginative but the losers I hang out with figured ‘the Known’ (Read Goa) is so much cooler than heading out into the unknown (read original plan of Sri Lanka!). Anyways – I’m not for Goa coz I know the whole world minus their underwear will be bumming out there while Kerala will be booked till kingdom come! But the control freak that I am – I took it on upon myself for the bookings – Now I’m stuck and I’m cribbing about it! Also best pal Moppy is incommunicado – so have no pivot to plan this thing around. I tell you – if these guys ditch this plan too – I’m just gonna head out to Colombo- Come hell or saline water!
Plus- it’s Diwali and my sulking has increased manifold. It’s not like I do anything spectacular back home – but it’s still HOME. Was woken up today by an SMS from my uncle asking me to lunch tomorrow. I’m busy as hell and can’t make it. I texted that back to get a nasty stinker! He can take a hike, freaking fascist!
Oh great! Just heard Gigglechick is also headed to Goa plus several others including one Formidable Force (another babe). So going back to my earlier crib that everybody is headed to Goa. So, I have made up my mind that I AM GOING NOWHERE FOR NEW YEARS! Aah.. Feels good to be a loser again! Have no idea how to communicate this to the Gang though…Moppy will kill me and go into a huge sulk! But quite frankly my Dear, I couldn’t give a damn!!
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Why isn’t Arafat kickin the bucket? Or is he legally mort and nobody is telling us? Being in this business is strange! Went to an office party after a long time – in fact the first party after Cribby left. It wasn’t as bad – I actually love being around people – I’m what is known as a ‘Wannabe Loner’. And I must have consumed every bit of food available on display there. And then the inevitable happens – people begin to gang up and laugh loudly…I happened to be in that group of loud laughers. Mom is in Bangalore – spending Diwali there – the first time in my life that the house will be locked up for Diwali. It’s a weird feeling – The Diwali before last – I got into a huge fight with my immediate neighbors – a lot of angry-clothes wearing, Charging through –doors and Confronting –neighbors happened before quickly dissolving into oh-no- Good Neighbors are important type gyaaan happened and it all culminated into me being shoo-ed out of their houses for being a typical hot blooded vacuous in the Brain cavity type kid! It was an anti-climax. I’m not good at confrontations. But I did get some yummy barfi while I was at it!
After slaving for a year and half in this organization – The clouds parted to reveal one glorious ray of light which landed directly on my head. I was getting..correction..got…my 15 minutes of fame. And in this city – It pays to be seen in the right place at the right time. After making it to the Sunday Supplement of One National Newspaper as an “upcoming blah-blah’…I noticed the Primordial human element of jealousy enveloping a couple of co-workers. While a couple of years/ months ago – I would have been apologetic about it..Somewhat embarrassed too perhaps – but this time around – I’m not apologetic for my perceived success. And this is the Gyaan that Dr.Doom has to dispel at this point:
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It’s always amazing how everybody else’s blog is cooler than mine..hmmmm..I think it’s a big sign from ..er…whoever! anyways..ahm-baak!
My life has been jam packed for the past couple of days..have been dealing with all sorts of random events…stuff that even the parrot can’t forecast. For eg.One Brother randomly landing up in town, One Best friend randomly landing in the country, One CribbyScamp randomly deciding to leave town…asking me go along with the mass exodus…leaving me to deal with all these forces of crappy nature!! Whew!!
So, have been busying myself collecting bits and pieces of trivia. Like Spiderman’s desi version of Pavitr Prabhakar is my favorite so far. They’re planning to make an Indian Version and sell it here. Anyways, do you know Gotham Comics – the guys who sell Spiderman in India actually sell 5 lakh copies of the comic each month… this is the real Spiderman..mind you…EACH MONTH DUDES! That’s 500,000 copies of the swinging arachnid floating around town..stuff rocks!
Have also discovered if I don’t get a mouthful of squishy carbo rich pasta type food in my mouth at regular intervals. I begin to get withdrawal symptoms. So each time that I feel like eating Italian Food aajakal, I go over to Guptas- the friendly neighborhood dhaba- and eat get this… Bread Omlette..YUCK! oh well, beggars can’t be choosers aye!
This post is long..I’m gonna run over to Guptas now..I’m in the mood for Italian!
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OBSESS: constantly! About the size of their ass, about the size of someone else's ass, movements of their boyfriend, movements of their best friend's boyfriend, shoes, whether they look fat in those shoes...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
STUDY: no self-respecting woman likes to be called ‘academically challenged’. Women are genetically programmed to cram…for anything/any classes…assignment tests, unit tests/quarter finals/cookery classes/pre-board flower arrangement tests…sheesh..the greater the amount of theory to be mugged up..the higher the satisfaction quotient! Plus have you seen those percentages – 97% in Math, 98% science, 99% Moral science!!!
LIKE DOORS TO BE OPENED FOR THEM: It’s a fact..women like doors to be opened for them as they swish by, chairs to be pulled out to park their butts on..etc etc… and puh-leez lets save that feminist claptrap for some time later after civilization! women like their men to be chivalrous, period! Just becoz a fella opens a door for you doesn’t quite mean he doesn’t think you’re capable of writing computer code or launching a space shuttle…. he’s just being nice. So chicks..relax and enjoy the attention.
CALL THEIR BOYFRIENDS CONSTANTLY: ahem…’Hi baby, I just woke up…whatcha doin?’ …’Hey snookums, I’m just brushing my teeth – whats up?’‘ hey..I’m capping the toothpaste up..what up?” …whats up? Errr…ur PHONEBILL perhaps! Crissakes woman..HANG UP!
PRETEND LIKE THEY CAN PARK CARS: gals, don’t protest. We all know..it was never a state secret!
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